FUNNY Tuesday: A Weight Loss Plan for Men

Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad that read, "Lose weight $1.00 a pound." And it simply listed a telephone number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the man responded, "ten pounds."
The voice replied, "very well, put you check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

About 9:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me".

Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself, she said, "quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the somewhat less overweight man replied, "twenty pounds".
"Very well", the voice on the phone told him, "put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

At about 8:00 A.M. the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me". The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her.
When he was through she told him, "quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" He thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
"Fifty pounds!" The man exclaimed.
"Fifty pounds?" The voice asked. "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time."
The overweight man replied, "my check's already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning." Then he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 A.M. he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you, I'm going to screw you."

FUNNY Tuesday: FITNESS Thoughts

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog... it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

FUNNY Tuesday: Your Jiggling Jog

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, "Well, she looks good doesn't she."

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years ... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

FESTIVE and FUNNY: A Fireman's Christmas

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here ... The three wise man came from afar.

FESTIVE and FUNNY: Entering Heaven on Christmas

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied ..."They're Carol's."

FESTIVE and FUNNY: 12 Redneck Days of Christmas

12 pack of Bud

11 wrestling tickets

10 cans of Copenhagen

9 years probation

8 table dancers

7 packs of Redman

6 cans of Spam

5 Flannel Shirts

4 mud tires

3 shotgun shells

2 hunting dogs

and a part to a Mustang GT

FESTIVE and FUNNY: Why Santa's Asking For A Raise

10. The hours, the weather, the trend toward smaller chimneys.
9. Nike won't give him a lucrative side-contract.
8. Reindeer and elves have unionized, driving up his cost.
7. New tax on flying sleighs.
6. Insurance for flying a sleigh has tripled over the past two years.
5. Needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses.
4. Air traffic controllers demanding higher kickbacks.
3. Cost of living increase at the North Pole.
2. Children don't leave as many cookies as they used to.
1. The Mrs. told him to.

FUNNy Tuesday: The 4 Major FOOD Groups

WHAT ARE THE FOUR MAJOR FOOD GROUPS?

For CHOCOHOLICS: DARK CHOCOLATE, WHITE CHOCOLATE, BROWNIES and FUDGE.

For HEAVIES: FAT, SALT, SUGAR, and CAFFEINE.

For BACHELORS: FAST, FROZEN, JUNK, and SPOILED.

For DRINKERS: MALT, BARLEY, HOPS, and YEAST

FESTIVE and FUNNY: The "Technical" Version of the Night Before Christmas

Sometime it's not what you do, it's HOW you do it. Here is the Night before Christmas as If Written By a Technical Writer for a Firm That Does US Government Contracting

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

FUNNY: Last Week on Late Night

"Good news, ladies and gentlemen. Retail sales this year are up. That is fantastic news for the economy of China." -David Letterman

"Governor Schwarzenegger is in a bit of a feud with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin right now. They're fighting about global warming. Palin says it isn't proven. Schwarzenegger said she's 'living in the Stone Age.' And Palin really should know not to mess with Arnold Schwarzenegger. This guy has been systematically terminating women named Sarah for many years now." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, according to our NBC affiliate in Wilmington, North Carolina, former Democratic presidential candidate John 'I am not the father' Edwards has reportedly bought a home for his former mistress. See, that's why John Edwards thinks there are two Americas. He's got two different women living in two different houses." -Jay Leno

"Hey, did you hear about those five American Muslims who went to Pakistan and tried to join up and become terrorists with al Qaeda? Well, they got rejected. Al Qaeda rejected them -- this is true -- because they lacked the proper credentials and references. Isn't that unbelievable? Do you realize it's harder to get into al Qaeda than it is to get into the White House? That is wrong. Ridiculous!" -Jay Leno

FUNNY Tuesday: THE COPING DIET

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds during the day.

Breakfast

• 1 grapefruit
• 1 slice whole wheat toast
• 1 cup skim milk

Lunch

• 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
• 1 cup spinach
• 1 cup herbal tea
• 1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Snack

• The rest of the Hershey kisses in the bag
• 1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner

• 4 glasses of wine (red or white)
• 2 loaves garlic bread
• 1 family size supreme pizza
• 3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack

• 1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

FUNNY Tueday: Diet Rules

1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.


2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Example: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.

8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.

9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on a spoon.

10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.

11. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.

Monday's FAVORITE Website: Dave Barry

Sunday, June 27, 1993, Dave Barry wrote a great column about pop tarts catching fire in a toaster. (It's a guy thing.) It's still bouncing around the Internet. I know because I just forwarded it to a couple of guys I work with. One plans to recreate the experiment on video. The other is a volunteer fireman. He's going to use it at a meeting. I work with crazy people ... and I suspect I belong here.


Here's the column: http://www.davebarry.com/natterings_files/poptarts.htm

And here's the front door to Dave Barry's site. http://www.davebarry.com/

I wonder what the shelf life is for viral e-mails?

FUNNY Tuesday: Most Popular Diet Books of 2009

1. EATING DISORDERS by ANNA REXIA

2. HOW TO GAIN WEIGHT by ELLIE FUNT

3. ITALIAN FOOD by PEPE RONI

4. MEAT EATERS by CARNEY VORE

5. LOW-FAT HOG RECIPES by LENA BACON

6. CONTINENTAL BREAKFASTS by ROLAND BUTTER

7. HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT by X. R. Sizemore

8. LOSE WEIGHT NOW by Y. B. Phatt

FESTIVE and FUNNY: How To Cook A Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

FEASTIVE and FUNNY: Signs You Overdid Thanksgiving

Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy!

The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!

You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail

Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog.

Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded mashed potatoes

That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.

Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

The “Biggest Loser” calls you.

Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

You're sweatin' gravy.

You consider gluttony your patriotic duty

FUNNY Tuesday: The Hair Cut

A CO-WORKER whose on-and-off diet of the last five years has yielded no visible results, responded to a compliment on her new haircut with: "It's a desperate attempt to lose weight!"

FESTIVE and FUNNY: Thanksgiving FORECAST

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon. High near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone

To FIND a Mate

Even when I weighed 270, this happened … sometimes. Now that I’m merely chubby and not gross, it’s occurring more often. A client said, “Since you’ve lost all that weight, maybe you’ll meet a man.” I’m the same person today that I was 75 to 80 pounds ago, but apparently packaging is everything.

She didn’t intend anything negative. I, in turn, don’t wish to be rude to a gal doesn’t deserve it and is the source of my income. Generally, the women (and it’s almost always women) who say this have a happy marriage. For them, a spouse equals happiness. That’s not my experience.

I used to say something about women needing a man like a fish needs a bicycle. (I wish I could remember who originally said that.) While I love the line, it just fuels the if-you-don’t-want-a-man-you-must-be-gay philosophy. A good friend of mine from college is a lesbian. I work with another. They are good gals and who they sleep with is not my business. I would prefer not to have misinformation thrown about. So I have found another way.

“Well,” I said. “It’s not that I don’t like to look, because I do. I like to window shop a lot. But the thing is, I like to look at elephants, too. But I don’t want to bring one home, feed it, clean up after it and listen to it whine.”

She laughed. Problem solved.

FESTIVE and FUNNY: Thanksgiving News Story

Chicago, IL (DPI) - In what is becoming more and more common on holidays here in America, an entire family exploded shortly after finishing their Thanksgiving dinner. Investigators from the Cook County Sheriff Department said that, while the sheer size of the meal certainly played a part in the Turkey Day Massacre, the straw that broke the gobbler's back was in fact the whipped cream on the top of the pumpkin pie. Sheriff Bill Gutt commented, "Yep, it was the Cool-Whip what done it. People just ain't got no common sense."