FUNNY: Last Week on Late Night

'In light of the fact that Tiger has comported himself in a manner utterly lacking in character, dignity, and ethical integrity, I am withdrawing Tiger Woods from consideration for the Congressional Gold Medal and instead I'm recommending that he run for Congress.'" - A California congressman, Joe Baca, as quoted by Jimmy Kimmel

"Congress was hard at work today trying to come up with a fair playoff system for college football. Congress was working on this. Meanwhile, the NCAA spent the afternoon kicking around ideas for how to win the war in Afghanistan." -Jimmy Fallon

"The Salahis -- now these are the people that crashed the state dinner at the White House for the prime minister of India. It looks like they're going to be subpoenaed now by the House Homeland Security committee, and I'm thinking why bother? They'd probably show up anyway." -David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh says black people are depressed because President Obama isn't doing a very good job. That proving, once again, that no one has their finger on the pulse of the African-American community like Rush Limbaugh." -Conan O'Brien

"Some people are upset about President Obama's prime time speech tonight because it bumped ABC's airing of 'A Charlie Brown Christmas,' or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama ruins Christmas for a depressed bald kid.'" -Conan O'Brien

"In his speech on the economy, President Obama said that we have to 'continue to spend our way out' of the recession. Now, I don't know much about economics, but aren't we like a trillion dollars in debt? Spending our way out of the recession? Isn't that like trying to drink your way out of alcoholism? I'm just saying." -Jay Leno

"New reports on Sarah Palin's 'Going Rogue' bus tour. They say she's been traveling on private planes to various stops and then just hops in the bus at the local town. So, let's see what you got. You have Sarah Palin, who's no longer governor, who's promoting a book she didn't actually write by going on a bus tour which is not really a bus. Her big complaint? Politicians who aren't real." -Jay Leno

"Hey, this is absolutely true. There's an organization now called 'Draft Dick Cheney for President, 2012.' Yeah. Good luck with that. They tried to draft Dick Cheney five times during Vietnam. That didn't work." -Jay Leno

"Everybody's talking about President Obama's speech last night. He's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Right now, in Scandinavia, the Nobel Committee is really rethinking the whole peace prize." -Craig Ferguson

Quotes for 11/15/09: Last Week on Late Night

It's been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He'll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour." -Conan O'Brien



"Google has announced that they're going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It's fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom." -Craig Ferguson


"Carrie Prejean is in the news again. She's the beauty pageant contestant who spoke out against gay marriage. She's a very family-values-oriented woman who, in her spare time, made a pornographic video tape. She says it is not a sex tape because she's the only one in it. It's s solo sex tape. It's the first female solo sex tape . . . she flies solo. She's like the Amelia Earhart of the naked." -Jimmy Kimmel

"CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it's all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain." -Jimmy Fallon


"Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who was forced to resign because he used prostitutes, will deliver a lecture tomorrow at the Harvard center for Ethics. Yeah, if you want to check out the speech, it costs $500 for half an hour, $900 if you want to stay for the whole hour." -Jimmy Fallon

"Congressman William Jefferson, who the FBI caught with 90,000 dollars in bribe money in his freezer, has been convicted of 11 counts of bribery and corruption. Jefferson still says he did nothing wrong. He claims he just fell in with the wrong crowd -- Congress." -Jay Leno

"Three young Americans have been charged with espionage in Iran after straying into the country while hiking in Iraq. Now, obviously, we all pray for their safe return. But hiking in Iraq? I mean -- you know, if you're hiking in Iraq and Iran, you might want to get a you new travel agent. Okay? ... I mean, who goes hiking in Iraq? What was the rafting trip to Somalia all booked up?" -Jay Leno

Quotes for 11/8/09: Last Week on Late Night

"Hey, the health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"Here, of course, we celebrate Halloween. In Mexico they call it what? 'Day of the Dead,' where people believe the dead rise and walk the earth again. Or, as folks at Acorn call it, the 'Voter Registration Day.'" -Jay Leno
"The government says there is a swine flu vaccine shortage that could last through December. Great. Have you ever noticed that in this country, we never seem to run out of illegal drugs. Why don't we pay the guys who make crystal meth to start making this stuff." -Jay Leno

"It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression." -David Letterman

"Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That's right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman." -Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That's right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it's already been slapped 12 times." -Conan O'Brien

FUNNY: Last Week on Late Night

George W Bush as a Motivation a Speaker:

"Former President George W. Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker. Afterwards, Bush said, 'The crowd was so motivated, many of them left halfway through." -Conan O'Brien

"Bush is actually really good at motivating. Last year, he motivated everyone to vote for Obama." -Jimmy Fallon

Letterman on Palin:


"Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. ... Sarah and Oprah. On the one hand, a very powerful woman qualified to be President of the United States, and on the other hand, you have Sarah." -David Letterman

"But if you think about it, Sarah Palin and Oprah Winfrey have a lot in common. They both helped get Obama elected." -David Letterman

Leno on Obama:

"Well, according to CBS News, President Obama has played more golf in nine months than George Bush in nearly three years. Actually, Obama's a good golfer. You know what his handicap is? Joe Biden." -Jay Leno

"Some people are already criticizing the Obama's decision to cut the pay of the executives at companies that received bailout money. They say this could cause a lot of these guys to quit. Because you wouldn't want to lose the geniuses who lost us hundreds of billions of dollars." - Jay Leno