FUNNY Tuesday: A Weight Loss Plan for Men

Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad that read, "Lose weight $1.00 a pound." And it simply listed a telephone number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the man responded, "ten pounds."
The voice replied, "very well, put you check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

About 9:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me".

Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself, she said, "quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the somewhat less overweight man replied, "twenty pounds".
"Very well", the voice on the phone told him, "put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

At about 8:00 A.M. the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me". The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her.
When he was through she told him, "quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" He thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
"Fifty pounds!" The man exclaimed.
"Fifty pounds?" The voice asked. "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time."
The overweight man replied, "my check's already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning." Then he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 A.M. he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you, I'm going to screw you."

FUNNY Tuesday: FITNESS Thoughts

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog... it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

FESTIVE and FUNNY: A Fireman's Christmas

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here ... The three wise man came from afar.

FESTIVE and FUNNY: Entering Heaven on Christmas

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied ..."They're Carol's."

FESTIVE and FUNNY: 12 Redneck Days of Christmas

12 pack of Bud

11 wrestling tickets

10 cans of Copenhagen

9 years probation

8 table dancers

7 packs of Redman

6 cans of Spam

5 Flannel Shirts

4 mud tires

3 shotgun shells

2 hunting dogs

and a part to a Mustang GT

FESTIVE and FUNNY: Why Santa's Asking For A Raise

10. The hours, the weather, the trend toward smaller chimneys.
9. Nike won't give him a lucrative side-contract.
8. Reindeer and elves have unionized, driving up his cost.
7. New tax on flying sleighs.
6. Insurance for flying a sleigh has tripled over the past two years.
5. Needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses.
4. Air traffic controllers demanding higher kickbacks.
3. Cost of living increase at the North Pole.
2. Children don't leave as many cookies as they used to.
1. The Mrs. told him to.

FUNNy Tuesday: The 4 Major FOOD Groups

WHAT ARE THE FOUR MAJOR FOOD GROUPS?

For CHOCOHOLICS: DARK CHOCOLATE, WHITE CHOCOLATE, BROWNIES and FUDGE.

For HEAVIES: FAT, SALT, SUGAR, and CAFFEINE.

For BACHELORS: FAST, FROZEN, JUNK, and SPOILED.

For DRINKERS: MALT, BARLEY, HOPS, and YEAST

FUNNY: Last Week on Late Night

"Good news, ladies and gentlemen. Retail sales this year are up. That is fantastic news for the economy of China." -David Letterman

"Governor Schwarzenegger is in a bit of a feud with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin right now. They're fighting about global warming. Palin says it isn't proven. Schwarzenegger said she's 'living in the Stone Age.' And Palin really should know not to mess with Arnold Schwarzenegger. This guy has been systematically terminating women named Sarah for many years now." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, according to our NBC affiliate in Wilmington, North Carolina, former Democratic presidential candidate John 'I am not the father' Edwards has reportedly bought a home for his former mistress. See, that's why John Edwards thinks there are two Americas. He's got two different women living in two different houses." -Jay Leno

"Hey, did you hear about those five American Muslims who went to Pakistan and tried to join up and become terrorists with al Qaeda? Well, they got rejected. Al Qaeda rejected them -- this is true -- because they lacked the proper credentials and references. Isn't that unbelievable? Do you realize it's harder to get into al Qaeda than it is to get into the White House? That is wrong. Ridiculous!" -Jay Leno

FUNNY Tuesday: THE COPING DIET

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds during the day.

Breakfast

• 1 grapefruit
• 1 slice whole wheat toast
• 1 cup skim milk

Lunch

• 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
• 1 cup spinach
• 1 cup herbal tea
• 1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Snack

• The rest of the Hershey kisses in the bag
• 1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner

• 4 glasses of wine (red or white)
• 2 loaves garlic bread
• 1 family size supreme pizza
• 3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack

• 1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

FUNNY Tuesday: Most Popular Diet Books of 2009

1. EATING DISORDERS by ANNA REXIA

2. HOW TO GAIN WEIGHT by ELLIE FUNT

3. ITALIAN FOOD by PEPE RONI

4. MEAT EATERS by CARNEY VORE

5. LOW-FAT HOG RECIPES by LENA BACON

6. CONTINENTAL BREAKFASTS by ROLAND BUTTER

7. HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT by X. R. Sizemore

8. LOSE WEIGHT NOW by Y. B. Phatt

FESTIVE and FUNNY: How To Cook A Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

FEASTIVE and FUNNY: Signs You Overdid Thanksgiving

Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy!

The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!

You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail

Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog.

Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded mashed potatoes

That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.

Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

The “Biggest Loser” calls you.

Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

You're sweatin' gravy.

You consider gluttony your patriotic duty

FUNNY Tuesday: The Hair Cut

A CO-WORKER whose on-and-off diet of the last five years has yielded no visible results, responded to a compliment on her new haircut with: "It's a desperate attempt to lose weight!"

FESTIVE and FUNNY: Thanksgiving FORECAST

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon. High near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone

To FIND a Mate

Even when I weighed 270, this happened … sometimes. Now that I’m merely chubby and not gross, it’s occurring more often. A client said, “Since you’ve lost all that weight, maybe you’ll meet a man.” I’m the same person today that I was 75 to 80 pounds ago, but apparently packaging is everything.

She didn’t intend anything negative. I, in turn, don’t wish to be rude to a gal doesn’t deserve it and is the source of my income. Generally, the women (and it’s almost always women) who say this have a happy marriage. For them, a spouse equals happiness. That’s not my experience.

I used to say something about women needing a man like a fish needs a bicycle. (I wish I could remember who originally said that.) While I love the line, it just fuels the if-you-don’t-want-a-man-you-must-be-gay philosophy. A good friend of mine from college is a lesbian. I work with another. They are good gals and who they sleep with is not my business. I would prefer not to have misinformation thrown about. So I have found another way.

“Well,” I said. “It’s not that I don’t like to look, because I do. I like to window shop a lot. But the thing is, I like to look at elephants, too. But I don’t want to bring one home, feed it, clean up after it and listen to it whine.”

She laughed. Problem solved.

FESTIVE and FUNNY: Thanksgiving News Story

Chicago, IL (DPI) - In what is becoming more and more common on holidays here in America, an entire family exploded shortly after finishing their Thanksgiving dinner. Investigators from the Cook County Sheriff Department said that, while the sheer size of the meal certainly played a part in the Turkey Day Massacre, the straw that broke the gobbler's back was in fact the whipped cream on the top of the pumpkin pie. Sheriff Bill Gutt commented, "Yep, it was the Cool-Whip what done it. People just ain't got no common sense."

FUNNY: Late Night Beats Up on Sarah Palin

"Liz Cheney said on Fox News that her father, former Vice President Dick Cheney, should run for president in 2012. In fact, that's apparently in the Mayan calendar too, you know. Cheney becomes president, and then the whole world ends. That's exactly what happens." -Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's book is number one on Amazon.com right now. Stephen King actually has the number two book. Very scary new book called 'Sarah Palin Becomes President.'" -Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin goes after vegetarians, too. She asks, 'If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come he made them out of meat?' It's a really good question. Hey, wait a second. People are made out of meat, too! And so are cocker spaniels. I think the lesson is, don't go to Sarah Palin's house for Thanksgiving dinner." -Jimmy Kimmel

"The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us." -David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's got that book out, that 'Going Rogue.' And she says that she was upset with John McCain because at the end of the election night, the McCain people would not let her deliver a concession speech. And I thought, don't worry, Sarah, I'm sure you'll get another opportunity." -David Letterman

"You guys hear this? 'The Oxford Dictionary' declared that the 2009 word of the year is 'unfriend.' To unfriend means to completely delete somebody you don't like from your life, or as CNN calls it, 'Lou Dobbs them.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, President Obama said that the people could lose confidence in the U.S. economy if our debt continues to grow. And Americans were like, 'Uh, way ahead of you, dude.'" -Jimmy Fallon


"I was watching 'Oprah' on the TV. She had Sarah Palin on the show. Sarah was promoting her book, where she talks about her plans for the future. I think she wants to be the next leader of the free world, which is ridiculous, because no one can replace Oprah." -Craig Ferguson

FUNNY Tuesday: Celery

AFTER my husband asked me to help him shed some unwanted pounds, I stopped serving fattening TV snacks and substituted crisp celery. While he was unenthusiastically munching on a stalk one night, a commercial caught his attention. As he watched longingly, a woman spread gooey chocolate frosting over a freshly baked cake. When it was over, my husband turned to me. "Did you ever notice," he asked, "that they never advertise celery on TV?"

FUNNY Tuesday: The Joy of Sag

After years of unsuccessful dieting, my sister finally lost a significant amount of weight. When her suits began to sag, a co-worker suggested she alter her clothes to fit her new figure. "Not now," my sister protested. "Let me enjoy the sag for a little while first!"

FUNNY Tuesday: Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I had ended up in the hospital. I said no. I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door