FUNNY Tuesday: A Weight Loss Plan for Men

Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad that read, "Lose weight $1.00 a pound." And it simply listed a telephone number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the man responded, "ten pounds."
The voice replied, "very well, put you check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

About 9:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me".

Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself, she said, "quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the somewhat less overweight man replied, "twenty pounds".
"Very well", the voice on the phone told him, "put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

At about 8:00 A.M. the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me". The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her.
When he was through she told him, "quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" He thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
"Fifty pounds!" The man exclaimed.
"Fifty pounds?" The voice asked. "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time."
The overweight man replied, "my check's already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning." Then he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 A.M. he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you, I'm going to screw you."

Big FAT Lie: The Center for Medical Weight Loss

At any given time, half the women in the United States are on a diet. If you put “diet” into Google, you'll get 19,300,000 results. There's big money in the weight loss business, but some weight loss web sites are crap.

    

If you want to know whether or not a diet is legitimate, look for wild claims:

• 
  
  Lose 21 pound in 4 weeks.
  
• 99% lose weight and keep it off.
  

In defense of CMWL , in teeny, tiny print (point 6) at the bottom of the page, they have a disclaimer.

Based on a stratified sample of 349 patients over a six-year period. Patients must have remained on the program for a minimum of 28 days and be monitored with at least two physician visits within first 31 days to be included in the study. 99% of the patients that followed the CMWL program, including a low calorie diet and individual counseling with CMWL physicians, from one month up to a year, weighed less at their last weigh-in than their starting weight.

Well golly gee whiz, anyone who consistently eats fewer calories will lose weight. DUH! You don't have to sign up for their program for that.


Secondly, weighing less at your last weight-in is not “keeping it off.”

Then, there's the graph above. It looks like you lose fat and gain muscle, but none of the information discusses an exercise porgram.  And the numbers at the side … what do they mean? Pounds? Percent? It makes no sense.


You are the key to whether or not your weight loss plan is a success. If you need outside help, find a more credible source!
 

See for yourself at http://www.centerformedicalweightloss.com/

Wednesday Morning Weigh-In

Two weeks ago, I was 192 ... even briefly 191.  This time last week, I was 194.  In the past few days, I've seen 197.  This morning, I'm back to 194, but I want to be back to 192.  Well, let's be honest.  I'd rather be 160 or 155. 

I'm sticking with the treadmill longer.  I'm trying to remember to drink more water. The evening snacking is still a challenge, as is social eating.  Next week, I'd like to be 193.

Wednesday Morning Weigh-In

Last week, I weighted 192. In fact, I had briefly glimpsed 191. Today, I weight 194. If I ever needed an F-word, now would be the time. So what went wrong and how do I quit making the same mistakes?



First of all I was succeeding. Therefore, I relaxed. It's been 22 months of this and I'd really like to be done. But in the end, I have to watch what I eat for the rest of my life. Otherwise, it's coming all back.


I got sick last week and missed 2 days on the treadmill. (That's why there was no long post on Thursday.) On the bright side, the treadmill must be helping. I read that exercise didn't have much impact on weight loss. Clearly, that's bunk!


Then, there was the spinach dip. SPINACH! High in vitamins and fiber ... Low in calories ... unless you bury it in sour cream. The grocery store made it, so there wasn't an ingredient break down on the package. I have to quit buying the deli stuff

FAT and Tired

It starts out with being tired … tired because the kids kept you up half the night … tired because you’re carrying more than your share of the load at home or work or both … tired for a reason that isn’t physical exertion, but is still exhaustion.


You eat, because evolution wired you to refuel when you’re tired. But evolution didn’t consider modern stress levels. And evolution is only interested in reproduction. Whether you live to 100 or die of a heart attack at 40, doesn’t affect evolution. Once you’ve reproduced, it moves on.


My 100 plus pounds of excess weight made me tired. Being tired, I ate more. Eating more made me weight more. And my excess weight made me tired. It was a down hill spiral.


So far, I’ve lost three 25-pound bags of dog food or two 40–pound bags of water softener salt. Of course, I was exhausted all the time carrying that extra baggage. My knees used to hurt all the time, but now they feel marvelous!


We're programmed to recharge our batteries, when they run down. However, lack of nutrition may not be why you’re exhausted. Are you getting enough sleep? Food will NOT replace 8 hours of sack time. Wanna make dieting easier? Seriously, get enough rest.


Drink plenty of water, too. Drink a glass or 2 with your meals. Drink before you snack between meals. Water is the ultimate lo-cal food.


I’ve been working 22 months to undo 2-decades of down hill spiraling. I’m still climbing, but I can see daylight.

FUNNY Tuesday: What is a Diet?

What is a diet?
· Going to great lengths to change your width.
· The penalty for living beyond your seams.
· A weigh of life.
· Something for people who are thick and tired of it.
· The treatment for an over-active fork.
· The response to doubling your girlish figure.
· When you count your calories, instead your blessings.

Why Was I FAT?

No one is hungry enough to justify weighing 270. I know. That’s what I used to weigh. What got me there was not hunger.


The FTO-gene did not make me fat. I may or may not have it, but that’s not the reason I was 3-figures over a healthy weight.


I was not fat because I have big bones. As it turns out, I have the bone structure of a 6-foot tall man, but that doesn’t justify weighing 270 pounds. Even the 6 foot tall guy would be unhealthy at that poundage.


I was fat because I ate more than I needed and then sat on my butt. Period.


I’m not losing weight, so I can look like a model. That would require a nose job and a magic potion to rinse away 35 years. Besides, who cares? I love how much better I feel without the extra weight. I need to keep that.


So the question is why? Why did I eat more than I need? Why do I still? Why do you?

1. It feels good. Eating is an enjoyable experience. The taste … the smell … the warm feeling, yeah eating is a sensory experience.

2. Food is cheap. When you have no money for other indulgences, you can always afford brownie mix.

3. If you’re lonely, you associate plentiful food with good times … family get-togethers, celebrations.

4. If you’re tired, you associate food with recharging. Instead, you may need more sleep or less stress.

5. Orally fidgeting. Rather than take a cigarette break, you hit the candy machine. You want a 5-minute escape, and food is an excuse.

6. A sugary snack will make you feel good for a few minutes. It’s am emotionally soothing pick-me-up.

7. If you think of others, let me know. I’m happy to ad to the list.


This is one of the things I have to deal with … not only undoing the weight I’ve put on … but controlling why I did it. Otherwise, I’ll end up here again in a few years. Look at Oprah. A lot of people lose weight to gain it back. I have, although never this much.


Fat is just a symptom. I need to address the problem.

Wednesday Morning Weigh-In

I started at 270 pounds in January of 2008. Today, I weight 192. I have lost 78 pounds in the past 21 months – not a speed record. I have 32 to 37 more to go. I wanted to wrap it up this year, but next year looks more realistic.

I briefly visited 191 this weekend. Then Beth and I hit the Fall Flea Markets. I got

• A table with an antique sewing machine bottom - $40. It would be more antique if it had the sewing machine with it, but less usable as a table.
• A metal headboard to use in a “bed” of flowers - $20. Pardon my pun. I’m trying to decide what color to paint it.
• Hand-made, scented soap – cinnamon, lavender and I can’t remember the 3rd.
• Tomatoes and apples. Beth took ½ the apples back to school with her and I’ve been feasting on vine-ripened tomatoes. M-m-m
• Pumpkin-pie fudge. It tastes like pie without crust. I had a little and sent the rest with Beth.
• Skinny onion rings … that will NOT make you skinny! Here’s where I really made a pig of myself.

FAT and the FEMALE Metabolism

Mother Nature hates me.


I’ve noticed that I lose weight differently throughout my cycle. Yes, I’m 55 and still having cycles. See the opening line.


I don’t struggle as much to lose between my period and ovulation as I do in the second half. I assume it’s water retention. (Technically, the title should say weight, not fat.) For the past several weeks, I couldn’t seem to lose at all. Now since last Monday, I’ve gone from 195 to 191. I wish a monitor would pop up and say, “Don’t panic. It’s water.”


Because I’m approaching menopause, it’s more complicated. This last period went on for 3 weeks. Some days were light. Others fell into the “red sea” category. This one was not the worst. Because my last period was in July, I had hoped the end was in sight. Apparently not.


It has to stop sometime. I’m not going to be 90, or even 60 and still having periods. And if I do, I’ll go on Oprah.


Regardless, I’m still going to lose this weight!


My apologies to the guys. I promise not to talk about this stuff very often. But it’s a fact of life for half the population.

Quote for 10/3/09: Paula Poundstone on Dieting

I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge. ~Paula Poundstone

Are Your FAMILY and FRIENDS Making You FAT? (part 2)

It’s my fault. When my daughter comes home, she expects ice cream. This is the female bonding I taught her – girl-talk over brownies. I created this problem.  Now, I want to change … or I feel I ought to change. Perhaps “want” isn't the right word. I “want” to climb into a vat of fudge and emerge a healthy weight. Wanting and reality are 2 different things.

Just because I’m trying to change, doesn’t mean the people around me are interested. They were comfortable with fat-me. So was I … but it was really unhealthy. I feel better now. The looking better part is just a bonus.


As I’ve lost weight, I noticed a change in some of my acquaintances. Fat people are a lower form of life – the only group it’s socially acceptable to condemn for their appearance. If you have to feel superior to someone, pick a fat gal. Family members. Co-workers. Clients. The pecking order in their minds changed, when I reached an average weight. Women, who used to weigh less than me, have the biggest adjustment. They're worried. What if I weigh less than them now?


Then, there are the enablers. “You don’t want to lose too much.” “Don’t pay any attention to those height and weight charts.” “Haven’t you lost enough?” Maybe they’re trying to understand? Maybe.


Change isn’t just hard internally. Ask someone in AA. Sometimes, the people around you make it more difficult.

Are FRIENDS and FAMILY Making You FAT? (part 1)

It’s not celebration without overeating. A social gathering in more fun if you indulge in junk food … at least seconds … maybe appetizers … especially dessert. I’m not saying this is how it OUGHT to be. But this is how I react, and it’s making it hard to keep losing

I started out 110 pounds overweight. Cutting back most of the time was all I needed to lose. Now it’s different. With these last 30 pounds, I need to be on task all the time. I’m having trouble with that.


Today is Michele’s 39th birthday. We celebrated at the Cellar. (Tradition in the sales department is the birthday girl picks the restaurant. The person with the last birthday buys her lunch.) All those wonderful Italian aromas started in the parking lot. Everybody else got calzones – spinach and artichoke or meatball, or pineapple, tomato and cheese. I was really hungry, but I’m trying to focuses on the calories. I had a salad with citrus dressing, but all I could smell was the calzones. Some people feel noble when they eat less than their friends, maybe even a little superior. I just feel like I didn’t do anything special.


Everyone has associations with food. One of mine is social eating. I keep trying to picture how I will celebrate when I hit goal. Visualize my success. My imagination inevitably shows me bringing treats to work or going out to dinner. Not a good idea.


Losing weight involves more than exercise and counting calories. I have to confront the reasons I over eat.

Wednesday Morning Weigh-In

I started changing my life in January of 2008. I weighed roughly 270 pounds.


Today, October 1, I weigh 194. I’ve lost a pound since last week.

My goal is 155 to 160. I have 34 to 39 pounds yet to lose.

FUNNY Tuesday:Saving Calories

NEVER good about watching her weight, my mother was in the "on-again" phase of her "on-again, off-again" diet plan. She loves sweets.  One day, I caught her pouring chocolate syrup into a cup. "What are you doing?" I demanded.
"I'm saving calories," she insisted. "I'm eating it without the ice cream."

FAT Changes

I got my passport today. The new passport picture was on the post office counter next to my 2006 driver’s license. It looked like 2 different people. The license says 175 pounds, but I was closer to 250. My goal is not to be a liar anymore and tell the truth on my driver’s license.


My face isn’t the only thing that’s changed. I put on my size 22 jeans last week. I could get both legs in one side. I just couldn’t get the feet out the bottom, because they are tapered. I carry most of the remaining excess in my waist, so this picture isn’t as dramatic as I’d like.  Beth told me the baggy T-shirt didn't help.  I'm used to baggy clothes and uncomfortable with something that fits ... but I'm working on that.

There was a fire last week. The gal who lost her home, wears one of the sizes I used to. Anything that wasn’t already at Goodwill is going to her.

As FAT Goes By (Play It Again, Sam)

There’s something to be said for insulation. At 270 pounds, I was rarely cold. I suspect I’ll have to bundle up this winter just like everyone else. It’s late September and I’m already chilly.



I ran out of diet lunches yesterday, so I walked to the pizza place down the block. I used to get their Rueben sandwich with potato chips all the time. Depending on the ingredients, it ranges from 600 to 900 calories. Yeah, I had to give that up. Fortunately, I like their spinach salad, too. They’d noticed my absence and how much less of me there is. “How did you lose all that weight?” I have a standard answer,” Eat less and exercise more. It’s boring, but it works.” Weight loss isn’t an action-packed adventure. It just lets you feel better.



My roommate in college lost a significant amount of weight. She’d always been fat. As her new body emerged, she noticed “growths” in odd places. That’s what she called them – “growths.” Worried, she called the doctor. She was feeling bones through her skin for the first time in her life.



I wasn’t a fat kid, but I have battled weight my whole adult life. Winning. Losing. Even winning at losing. Now as a slimmer body emerges from the fat, I am rediscovering my ribcage. I like it.

FAT Monday

Well, it’s Monday and I’m still not losing weight. I’d love to blame someone else ... really I would, but no one is at fault, but me. Beth came home this weekend. “Do you want pizza?” I said, “Sure.” She said, “How about some ice cream?” I said, “Sure.” I need to quit saying SURE. I’m a big girl. Heck, I’m her mom. I need to be tougher. She’s 20 and hikes all over campus. I’m 55 and sit at a computer. She can eat more, because she’ll burn it up.




And it isn’t just the weekends. I missed a day of exercise last week and could have made it up on Friday, but didn’t.



I have been mocha-free for the past couple of weeks. Love ‘em, but don’t need 400 empty calories. I thought Chai Lattes would be a yummy substitute ... but at 250 calories, maybe not.



I worked out that whole elaborate plan a couple of weeks ago. I’m doing fine with it until 8 or 9 at night. Compared to the way I used to snack when I weighted 270, I’m doing great. But if I want to weigh 150 or 160, it’s not good enough. Maybe if I did something while I watched TV, I would snack less?



Then, there’s the chili. In order to reduce salt intake for my blood pressure, I’ve been trying to eat less pre-packaged dishes and cook more. Prepackaged stuff has the calories all figured out. No math. (I don’t like to mess with math.) Plus you can’t have a little bit extra, because that’s all there is. To avoid the “extra” issue, I made a crockpot of chili, divided the servings up and froze them immediately. However, my math issues have caught up with me. I guess-timated and rounded off. It’s closer to 400 calories a serving rather than 300. That’d be fine if I wasn’t having 2 to 4 pieces of toast with it. I like toast, but I need to eat less of it.



To top it off, my boss is back from vacation this week and my blood pressure is up 10 points. Isn’t life fun?

Are You FAT Because You’re FAMISHED? Part One

Diet gurus from TV to the Internet promise that with their special plan you can loose weight and not be hungry. Adkins says that fat is more filling. The Full Plate Diet pushes fiber for the same reason. In the United States over the past month, 671,000 web pages have addressed hunger and dieting. I’ve lost 75 pounds over the last year and a half. I have a few thoughts on the subject.



If you buy your 2-year-old a toy every time you’re at the store, guess what? He’ll expect you to keep doing it. If you regularly overeat, the 2-year-old in your body will throw a tantrum, when you stop. So what? Drink a glass of water, iced tea, coffee or diet pop. Wait awhile. If that doesn’t work, eat a piece of fruit, carrot sticks or some kind of 100-calorie snack. Get busy. Do something else. Don’t be a drama queen and fixate on it. Move on.



What makes you lose weight is eating fewer calories than you need, so your body burns the stored calories. A little hunger means you’re succeeding. I don’t recommend radical diets. Most people (including me) can’t stick to them. Starving yourself for a week solves nothing. Cut back enough so you loose a pound a week or 5 a month. When it quits working, you’ve reached the even point. Then, cut a little more. The idea that you won’t occasionally be hungry is just silly.



I’m pretty disgusted by the diet industry’s empty promises, but why do they get away with it? Because we want something for nothing! We want to lose weight without sweat and without hunger. Talk about spoiled 2-year-olds.

FUNNY FRIDAY: Why Americans are FAT

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION:  Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

FITNESS: The treadmill vs. outside.

 Personally I prefer outside, but for the last year and ½, I’ve been using an indoor treadmill.

Pro-Inside:

• Outside, you can saunter or leisurely stroll. Inside, you set the speed and sweat to keep up.
• Outside, you take the route geography gives you. Inside, you control the incline
• Outside, you get a holiday for snow, rain, heat and darkness. Inside, calories do not take holidays, so neither do you.

Toss up:

• Inside, you watch TV. Outside, you watch Mother Nature. (I know this should be pro outside, but I’m a TV addict.)

 Pro – Outside

• Outside, your dogs can come with you. But if they find a skunk or take off after a deer, this is no longer a good thing.
• Outside, you benefit from sunshine, rich in vitamin D. Inside, you get florescent lighting.
• Outside, once you get to your goal, you still have to walk back. Inside, you can step off anytime you want.

 Of course, it doesn't really matter WHERE you exercise, only THAT you exercise