FUNNY: Late Night Last Week

"Did you know the Nobel Peace Prize comes with a cash award? It's like a million dollars. Actually, it's $1.4 million. See, apparently, this is President Obama's plan to finance healthcare reform. Keep winning these awards -- the Nobel, the Powerball, the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes -- keep winning these, and we can pay for the whole healthcare thing." --Jay Leno


"And over the weekend, they held a big gay rights march in Washington, D.C. Tens of thousand of gay Americans of all political persuasions filled hotel rooms in D.C. Actually, it was just the Democrats in the rooms. The Republicans were still in the closet." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's memoir will be out next month. Revelations in the memoir. The last couple of months on the campaign, it was actually Tina Fey." --David Letterman


"Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State, says she will eventually retire and will not be running for president ever again, unlike George W. Bush, who retired as soon as he was elected president." --David Letterman

"Do you know in Washington today, a Republican senator from Maine voted with the Democrats on health care? That's the first time a Republican switched sides and was not arrested in an airport bathroom." --Craig Ferguson


"Rush Limbaugh has been named one of the official judges of the Miss America Pageant. I'm like, what? A loudmouth judge who loves prescription painkillers? Wait, wait, it worked for 'American Idol.'" --Craig Ferguson