Every one has personal benchmarks. From a new school to a promotion, the first day at something unknown can be intimidating … and with 20/20 hindsight, the start of a better life. That how I feel about my divorce.
Fifteen years ago on Labor Day weekend, I told my ex that I wanted a divorce. To me, this weekend marks 15 years on my own as a single parent. I celebrated, not with crystal, rubies, watches or roses (traditional 15th anniversary gifts), but by hitting the flea markets and building an arbor for some old roses. OK, I did work in the roses.
A good marriage is built on shared expectations. My father was a nice guy for the first 2 or 3 hours. If you stayed longer, you’d get a snapshot of his anger management issues. No one was physically abused, but Dad could be mean because he was hungry, tired, frustrated or God knows what else. My mother was fine with this, because he was a good provider. Her father died before she was a year old. She knew what a single parent family was like. Dad fulfilled her expectations.
When I got married, I wanted a man, who was not like my father. I should have been more specific. My marriage was a series of lowered expectations. He disappeared when I needed help with the home or family. In my mother’s words, he was not a good provider and resented contributing to family bills. He hid bills rather than pay them. Out of sight, out of mind. Before we got married, I asked to handle the money and he agreed … or that’s the conversation I thought we had. When he tells this story, I agreed to pay for everything … EVERYTHING, and he was free to spend his money on the business he played at, but never really got anywhere with. Why would I agree to support him?
Driving to work on the morning of my 40th birthday, I imagined getting old with him. It felt like a prison sentence. I cried so hard I had to pull off the road. All summer I waffled. To divorce or not? The marriage was awful for me, but what about the kids? We had tried counseling, but it was a joke. My feelings kept leaking out at innocent bystanders, which was unfair. I decided it was better for the kids to have parents who were happy apart, rather than miserable together … and making everyone around them miserable, too.
I feel sorry for divorce lawyers. They see people at their worst.
Being a divorced/single parent is NOT easy, but I think our lives are better because of it. My ex wasn’t invested in being a husband and father. Instead he chose to hide from his responsibilities. I did not want my children thinking that was normal or acceptable. The home I grew up in made excuses for my dad’s behavior. I wanted to avoid that.
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