"There are new security alerts issued to law enforcement agencies all across the country, because Al Qaeda is planning to attack vital economic centers. Well, good luck trying to find one of those. Luckily, Wall Street took care of them about a year ago, so we are safe." --Jay Leno
"President Obama was on six different TV shows pitching his healthcare plan over the last couple of days. You know the difference between Obama and the ShamWow guy? You can see the ShamWow guy on Fox." --Jay Leno
"Today's the first day of autumn, although Sarah Palin said today the dying leaves are because of Obama's healthcare plan." --Jay Leno
"And Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi was at the U.N. today. He talked forever. He talked on Israel and the swine flu and the JFK assassination. Where was Kanye West to grab the microphone away?" --Jay Leno
"And how awful is this? This book claims that John Edwards tried to calm his mistress down by promising to marry her, after his wife died, in a rooftop wedding ceremony in New York with the Dave Matthews Band as their wedding band. Really, Dave Matthews at the wedding for these two? Wouldn't Cheap Trick be more appropriate?" --Jay Leno
"Democratic Senator Max Baucus has introduced his healthcare plan which makes it mandatory for everyone to get health insurance. They would fine people who didn't get it, and if you don't pay the fine, you could go to jail. The good news is, once you're in jail -- free healthcare!" --Jay Leno
"According to a front page story in the 'LA Times,' the CIA is deploying teams of spies, analysts, and paramilitary operatives to Afghanistan as part of a broad intelligence search. They said this should catch the Taliban by surprise, unless they happen to see the front page of the 'LA Times.'" --Jay Leno
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